September 4, 2018

R.I.P., Dad (Woodbridge, VA)

My father died today at approximately six o' clock in the evening at Virginia Hospital Center of complications from several catastrophic strokes. He had developed locked-in syndrome and was fully paralysed from the eyes down—he lost even the ability to swallow. He was 64 years old. 

I watched it happen and was the only person to see him die. I told the other people who were in the room what was happening once I suspected he had stopped breathing; they called in a nurse who confirmed that he had no heartbeat by checking his pulse, first by hand and then with a machine. His color partially drained very quickly, giving him the appearance of having a sallow, yellow complexion. 

I urged everyone to complete various tasks. My uncle Gig was the second-to-last person to leave my father's hospital room after he died. I was the last. I am unlikely to ever lay eyes on his physical form again. 

I'm worried I rushed my mom and sister out too fast. I shall tell them tonight—soon (they're getting food right now)—that they can still see him tomorrow, either in the morgue or at the funeral home. 

I hope I have been doing the right things. 

September 3, 2018

At the hospital with dad (Arlington, VA)

Spending the night at the hospital with dad. It's hard to sleep here. I got here from Oregon yesterday. 

August 25, 2018

At McGraw's (Portland, OR)

At McGraws. Feeling pretty good. Just ate a fine breakfast. 

Thursday: Practiced with Jonathan. Got drunk at Lucky House. Met some chick at the bar and swapped spit in the parking lot for a bit. She asked me to go home and fuck her, but I declined. Gotta avoid that place for a bit. 

Woke up in a cold sweat at three am. Anxious hypochondria. I went back to sleep after a few minutes. 

Friday (last night): Volunteered as a DJ at a dance for disabled people. Had a good time. Drank three beers with Jonathan at Top of the Hill. Talked with HYM on the phone for a bit. 

Got a DM from KH yesterday. She ain't mad at me. Maybe she'll come to my party tonight? 

August 23, 2018

Talked to dad today (Portland, OR)

Talked to dad today. Pretty rough. 

August 21, 2018

Standing on the corner of Halsey and 122 (Portland)

Standing on the corner of Halsey and 122 waiting for Jonathan to pick me up. I dropped my car off at the Ford dealership a minute ago. 

Drank at FloRo till two. Drove to 7-Eleven for a hot dog; they had none. Car got stuck in reverse. Then the engine wouldn't turn over. A bum helped me push it into a spot, so I bought him an ice cream (at three in the morning!)

Last night was definitely not my finest moment. I was ungentlemanly to KH last night, and now I don't know if I should apologise—I get so handsy when I'm drunk. I keep telling myself I'll stop being that way, but I never do. 

KH is a real sweetheart and I'd hate to alienate her. I don't know if a quick message today would make things better or worse. Also, I called Bobby a rat and referred to him as the "morality police" because he pointed out that I shouldn't be so demonstrative with a gal who's attached to their friend. Maybe so, Bob, maybe so...

My sister is in a real bad state. She's super depressed. I'm going to try to reach out to her this week to plan non-alcoholic stuff to do, like board games or movies. I'm worried about her. 

August 19, 2018

Back in Portland

Back in Portland. Weird night last night after an uneventful few days. 

I went to Eugene on Friday for a feeler meeting with PGL about Retard Vampire. She read the script and likes it. She wants to play the female lead in a production we're tentatively planning for the winter. This is good. Bad is that we're already getting flak about the name fro venue owners and booking people. 

Also bad—maybe bad, really, maybe nothing—is PGL wants me to change certain aspects of the thing: dialog and the like. I didn't let on how not into changing the play I am. She also has suggested (sensibly) a handful of ways we might skirt a title change without explicitly promoting the title. I'm open to trying. 

Not sure how rehearsals will work. I'm uncertain if PGL is ready for me to live in her studio apartment every weekend. Possibly with Jonathan and other Portland-based cast members in tow. We'll see. 

Also, be careful with this one, Williams. She's fragile. Don't turn this into ATS 2 unless you're very certain that's how you wanna proceed. Remember what happened last time you ignored my advice, Future Daniel!

Last nite was a trip to Zach and Kyja's house for beers. I had fun until I became maudlin for some reason, and then put Lydia Loveless on the stereo and fell into a K-hole. Or more accurately perhaps, a J-hole or an M-hole. I was sad, is all. I went in and sat with the ladies—incl. ML—but the melancholy overtook me and I drove home. 

I found myself screaming in the car at two am. It was not especially cathartic. I parked in the driveway and texted HYM the song that had been messing me up so much, Bilbao. It's incredibly good. It hurts me so much. Thank goodness H was asleep. Who knows what I would have said in that state?

This morning was Sunday. I went to Eclectic Kitchen, ate breakfast, and have been sitting around here most of the day. 

I'm still a little bummed about MJS and a little disappointed in myself about JNS. I wish I had a clearer focus or better handle on what I am trying to do here. 

Tried to get BAH to call me yesterday. No dice. 

August 12, 2018

Back to our regularly scheduled programming (Portland, OR)

Now that that wonderful idyll—that happy and delightful interlude—is over, we return to our regularly scheduled programming: got shitfaced last night on Mary's parent's houseboat, fucked JNS until three in the morning, and then felt disgusted with myself and slinked home. 

Woke up at 8 a.m. this morning in a cold sweat. Texted with BAH for a while during breakfast. I miss her. 

I'm not thinking about MJS as much as I was four days ago. Easy come, easy go, right? 

HOWEVER: Two in a week is slimy even by my standards. What are you doing, Daniel? What is your end goal with this behavior? What are you trying to prove?

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